thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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