my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
