Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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