Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
