The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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