how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
