I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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