Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
