Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
