I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
