i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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