i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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