Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i think my tv is drunk
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
