It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
