went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
