I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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