I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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