Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
