Quick, to the slutcave!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
