I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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