wrigley field is MILF paradise
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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