wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
