A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
