hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
