Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
