If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
the liver wants what the liver wants
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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