I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
