my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My dick has a subreddit
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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