Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
