gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
