I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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