dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
