how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
