I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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