We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
