I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
