So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
