The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
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