Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
