I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
