i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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