I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
