She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize