it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
two words: eviction party
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
