he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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