She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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