Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize