Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
