My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
