Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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