where does the pee come out of this thing
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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