Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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