i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
