I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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