Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
