I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
