we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
