Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
