She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
