can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize