your thong is hanging out like whoa
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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