I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
