My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i love accidental penises.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
