He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
