I will die if light touches me.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
